With the lack of sports, I have been paying more attention than usual to the NFL off-season. My ESPN notifications are full of player moves and draft speculation, and it’s helping at least a little to fill the sports void. And as I’ve tried to keep up with players, I’ve realized that there is a thing called the Niekro Effect.

This is what happens to any NFL player—also NBA and perhaps MLB but that’s not as proven yet—after someone in our family buys a jersey or T-shirt with the player on it. Within a year, he is traded or released or retires or suspended indefinitely for drug violations. We are working on monetizing this and I feel confident that someone in Vegas will be contacting us soon.

Retired, fired, traded or suspended indefinitely.

Until we figure out that cash cow, we are sheltering in place—officially as of Thursday morning, according to a new county-wide order. And somehow, like all families, we are making it work.

Based on social media and observation of my neighbors, however, I would not say we are doing as well as some families. Some people are wearing pants that button, and others are still following a schedule. (I don’t know what sort of magical wizardry you’re practicing in those houses, but I’d be happy to register for your free webinar. But please note I will not actually attend it or watch it on-demand.)

Our bar is not that high. I am excited when Casey puts on a shirt. Stoked when Ally talks without shouting because she’s stolen my AirPods again. And over the moon when someone does a chore after only being asked twice. Low expectations: it’s my secret sauce. My webinar will be available soon.

On the bright side, there are only 54 days until the kids go back to school.